How We Choose to Be Happy Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication

  Acknowledgements

  Chapter 1 - Intention

  Chapter 2 - Accountability

  Chapter 3 - Identification

  Chapter 4 - Centrality

  Chapter 5 - Recasting

  Chapter 6 - Options

  Chapter 7 - Appreciation

  Chapter 8 - Giving

  Chapter 9 - Truthfulness

  Chapter 10 - Synergy

  Afterword

  “Foster and Hicks conduct workshops internationally in the development of interpersonal skills. For this book, they interviewed happy people from all walks of life, from the United States to Eastern Europe. The resulting personal stories, writing exercises, and quotes together inform and instruct the reader in the nine principles discovered by the authors in their travels. Recommended.”

  —Library Journal

  “My plan was to read the book long enough to decide whether I would write a testimonial. In a short time I found myself in the middle of a remarkable torrent of brilliant ideas, all delivered in a warm and sturdy format. I realized that at some unnoticed moment I had changed, and was now reading because I was convinced the book would be of great personal value to me—it could help me find more happiness. It is a delightful and boundlessly valuable book, especially for those readers willing to explore the possibility that happiness is something we can all choose.”

  -Will Schutz, Ph. D.,

  author of Joy, Joy: 20 Years Later and The Human Element.

  A PERIGEE BOOK

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R ORL, England Penguin Group Ireland, 25 St. Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.) Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.) Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 I Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi-110 017, India Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.) Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R ORL, England

  While the authors have made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the authors assume any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

  Copyright © 1999 by Rick Foster and Greg Hicks

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

  PERIGEE is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  The “P” design is a trademark belonging to Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  PRINTING HISTORY

  G. P. Putnam’s Sons edition / April 1999

  Revised Perigee trade paperback / June 2004

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Foster, Rick.

  How we choose to be happy : the 9 choices of extremely happy people : their secrets, their stories / Rick Foster and Greg Hicks.

  p. cm.

  eISBN : 978-1-101-00738-9

  1. Happiness. 2. Happiness-Case studies. I. Hicks, Greg.

  II. Title.

  BF575.H27F-37033 CIP

  158.1-dc21

  PUBLISHER’ NOTE: Neither the publisher nor the authors are engaged in rendering professional advice or services to the individual reader. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions contained in this book are not intended as a substitute for consulting with your physician. All matters regarding your health require medical supervision. Neither the authors nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or suggestion in this book.

  Most Perigee books are available at special quantity discounts for bulk purchases for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, or educational use. Special books, or book excerpts, can also be created to fit specific needs. For details, write: Special Markets, Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.

  http://us.penguingroup.com

  For our children

  Tim and Molly Hicks

  Alex and Kathryn Foster

  Acknowledgments

  Our happiness journey has run through two eras—first, the research and writing of this book, and next, the amazing developments after its initial publication. From the beginning, it has been graced by so many who have championed it. Thanks to our editor and trusted friend, John Duff, at Penguin who nurtured and supported our work every step of the way, and to our agent Angela Miller. Thanks also for the skill and superb judgment of our independent editors: Marilyn Foster for her careful reading and insightful suggestions and Paula Munier for her knowledgeable and optimistic cheerleading through the writing process.

  Ron Luyet, always gentle of spirit and compassionate about our human strengths and foibles, gave generously of his professional understandings and his materials, including the “List of Defenses.” Thanks also to landscape architect Laurie Grassman of Boulder, Colorado, for her invaluable help with flora, to Dr. David Spear for his deep insight into the interaction of behavior and biochemistry, to Philip Turner and Tonda Marton for advice about writing projects in general, and to Tonda for giving us a “writer’s retreat” in New York City.

  Our first Happiness Workshops were sponsored by Dr. Barbara Scott in San Luis Obispo, California. Eva Nemeth transformed her physical therapy offices in Marina Del Rey, California, into a conference center on our behalf. A wonderful crew from Shelburne Farms, Vermont, including Emily Morrow, Alec Webb, Megan Camp and Paul and Eileen Growald, supported our work in their community. Thanks to all of them for adding to the demographic depth of the interviews and to our understanding of happiness.

  We also have an extraordinary support system of friends and family who gave unconditionally to the early days of the project. Special thanks goes to dear friends—Ellen Tussman, Diane Jarmolow, Russell Kaltschmidt, Herb Kindler, Marilyn Ginsburg and Janet Cobb. Their referrals to interview sources, opinions and reactions were critical to the development of our ideas. Our generous and patient readers were our parents, Lenore and Don Hicks and Harold and Diana Foster. Matt Weinstein and Geneen Roth gave us a much-needed kick-start in the beginning. And “The Men’s Group” continues to provide a superb forum to experiment, try out ideas, and receive loving yet firm feedback.

  We also want to express our gratitude to Ailish and the late Will Schutz, who over the years taught us so much, and introduced us to the wonderful acupuncturist, Dr. Van Vu. His work kept us balanced, and gave us the energy to do our research, write a book, raise our children and continue working.

  Since the initial publication of How We Choose to Be Happy, a great number of people and institutions have introduced us to professional arenas we couldn’t have previously imagined. Our deepest gratitude goes to Duffy Newman and Joanna Infantine of the Health Forum in San Francisco, who gave us a superb entree to the medical world. There is no way to individually thank all the wonde
rful people with whom we’re partnering in the medical fields, but special thanks go to Doctors Nicholas LaRusso and Jeanne Huddleston of The Mayo Clinic, who astonish us with their drive for excellence. At Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, Dr. David Jaques and Aileen Killen provided us with a life-altering view of surgery. Elizabeth Duthie, Director of Nursing for Patient Care Systems at NYU Hospitals Center, has been full of ideas and information and is an encouraging friend. And, Jenny Kirksey, Community Health Director of Wake Forest Baptist Hospitals has been a great supporter. We thank all of you who have become friends and colleagues.

  Other faculty and organizational work has also been a source of inspiration and growth. Many thanks to Dr. Joseph Mori and Julie Ryan who have included us as faculty in their MSA program at San Jose State University. Becky Miles-Polka and Gail Hardinger have also given us faculty positions with the wonderful Iowa Community Health Leadership Institute. And James Baraz and Edith Politis have brought us into the unexpected delights of the Buddhist community at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Marin County, California. You have all enriched our lives immeasurably.

  Above all, we deeply thank the hundreds of “extremely happy people” from around the world, whose love, commitment, words and thoughts appear in these pages. There is no way to express fully our respect and gratitude to them. They have changed our lives, and we thank them deeply for the kindness, honesty and thoughtfulness they shared with us. Although their names and hometowns have been changed, their true spirits soar through every part of this book and continue to inform our lives.

  A Note to the Reader

  All of the names and locations of people in this book have been changed for reasons of confidentiality. In some instances, we also created composite interviews from narratives that were similar. But in all cases, the stories faithfully reflect the ideas and attitudes of the people we met and the accounts of their life experiences and philosophies.

  The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

  —Muriel Rukeyser

  Prologue

  The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.

  —Muriel Rukeyser

  Kathryn’s Story—Part One

  In one of my earliest memories, I am a beautiful ballerina flying through the sky in my pink tutu. I feel lighter than air. My leotard clings to me like a warm cocoon.

  I am eight years old, in love with myself, in love with ballet, and very happy. I would not feel that kind ofjoyfor another twenty-five years.

  My childhood happiness ended with the realization of a legacy that doomed me. The legacy was my grandmother Kathryn--my namesake who died the year before I was born.

  She was the mold my parents used to raise me. “Grandma K wouldn’t have wasted her time dancing! Grandma K studied her lessons! You can’t become a successful businesswoman like Grandma K if you don’t get A’s in math!”

  If Grandma Kathryn had lived, I’m sure she would have liked me. I was a creative, beautiful little girl. But her ghost was a memory I couldn’t escape. My parents had a picture of who I should be even though it had nothing to do with who 1 really was. Grandma K had been a great success at business. I was an artist.

  By the time I was a teenager my real self had been buried. I had completely forgotten the little ballerina who loved flying through the air. I had become a different Kathryn. I was studious, serious, business-minded. I had set my course. I wanted to become an accountant and have a business like Grandma K’s.

  With my plan in place, I was determined to execute it. In the six months after college graduation in the late 1960s, I married my high school sweetheart, took a job as an actuary, and set up housekeeping. My parents were delighted. “Grandma K would have been so proud.” I felt proud, too. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted and how life would turn out.

  But something was wrong. I had lost the real me. And that creative but neglected and angry little girl came back to haunt me with a vengeance.

  My demons were rumbling inside. Within a year I scandalized my parents. I quit my job and left my husband. It was the first divorce in the family and no one-and I mean no one-had ever walked away from a well-paid job. Everyone was so disappointed in me. All I knew was that I felt empty. I needed to fill myself up.-with what, I didn’t know.

  Looking all the way back to 1971, I find it almost impossible to believe that the person in my story is really me! After quitting I spent six months hitchhiking with a friend from my home in Los Angeles to Florida. We went through the Sun Belt and deep into Mexico. The day after we arrived in Miami, my friend decided she was homesick and went back to California. Here I was in an unfamiliar city, with no job, no money, and didn’t know a soul. I felt terribly sorry for myself. I was directionless and blamed the world for my situation.

  Over the next three years I went through the worst period in my life. I had stopped caring about myself. I worked as a cocktail waitress in a seedy bar. I became bulimic. I had a series of abortions and finally ended up in the hospital with a tubal pregnancy. I was crying a lot of the time, completely unable to figure out why all this was happening to me.

  One night I hit rock bottom. I accepted $1,000 to have sex with some guy I met at the bar. I did not know the man; but worse, I didn’t know myself Who was this person I had become?

  That night I was overcome with such sadness and shame. Up until then I had justifted my behavior by saying that the world had been harsh. My parents had been cruel-of course I had to starve myself! Of course I had to be a failure, how else could I take a stand against Grandma K?

  But hitting bottom jolted me. I couldn’t believe what had happened to my life. Looking back, this was the definitive moment when I began my long journey toward happiness....

  (To be continued in Chapter 2)

  A Revolution in Happiness

  In the ten years since we began our research, the study of happiness has changed radically. But nothing could have prepared us for the explosive growth in our own work. Updating How We Choose to Be Happy gives us a wonderful opportunity to reflect upon and share that amazing journey.

  Back in the mid 1990’s, we could never have imagined that a few conversations in a coffee shop in Northern California would lead us to a three-year voyage of in-depth interviews with extraordinary people from the back roads of Mississippi to the boulevards of Budapest. It was inconceivable to us when this book first came out in 1999, that our happiness model of nine choices would be used all over the world by universities, corporations, hospitals, and churches. And now, that same model has brought us to the halls of major research institutions, including the Mayo Clinic, NYU Hospital, and Wake Forest University Medical Center, where it’s seen as a groundbreaking analysis of how people create happiness and a key to the mind/body connection.

  This model has led us in other unexpected directions as well. From it, we’ve developed a template of ideal leadership attributes, currently used by some of the largest companies in the world. We now use it as a behavioral guide in shifting the cultures of organizations to profitability and high morale, as the focal point for team training, and as a behavioral interviewing instrument for hiring the best employees. It’s also the basis for Greg’s new book on how to be a Thriving Leader in these turbulent times, LeaderShock And How to Triumph over It! (McGraw-Hill). In non-business settings, it has been embraced as a strategy for relationships—among parents and children, teachers, social workers and therapists. And to medical people it’s fast becoming accepted as a paradigm of behaviors that lead to better health and healing.

  In short, we now know that this particular confluence of nine choices not only generates happiness for individuals, it also contains fundamental building blocks from which any healthy human grouping is made—families, teams, organizations, even entire communities. And from the standpoint of wellness, doctors are telling us that if you examine a human being at the cellular level, the same set of behaviors pumps-up biochemistry and encourages optimal health.

  However surprised and honore
d we’ve been by these developments, our greatest delight is watching the model of nine choices transform lives. We now know that by following this system, people grow and change and, yes, learn to make themselves happier. This is what the book is about: helping you make choices that lead to greater happiness. We hope that this updated version of How We Choose to Be Happy will be an important addition to your life.

  The Dovetail: Our Happiness Model and Scientific Research

  What the Scientists Say

  For most of human existence, happiness has been a non-measurable, self-reported emotional state. Where it comes from and what effect it has on our minds and bodies has been a subject of broad philosophical and academic speculation. But in the last decade, there has been a true revolution. With the availability of sophisticated technologies to measure the specifics of our blood chemistry, brain function, and genetic makeup, a remarkable canon of scientific studies on the mind/body connection has been completed. Previously undiscovered bio-immunologic markers have been found in our saliva and blood, and brain scans can mark even the most subtle changes in our neurological responses. But, though we know a great deal about the connection of emotions and physiology, how much do we really know about happiness?

  The Happiness Controversy

  The most widely quoted “hard” research of the past ten years has been by geneticists who tell us that we’re each born with a happiness set point. Much like the “metabolic set point” that predetermines our natural body weight, our happiness set point determines our levels of cheerfulness and seriousness, called SWB or subjective well-being. Geneticists tell us that, regardless of what happens to us—whether it’s an exciting financial gain or the tragic death of a spouse-we will eventually return to our set point. And, other than extreme poverty or disease, things such as age, race, income, and educational and family background seem to have almost no effect on how happy we’ll be throughout our lives. In short, geneticists conclude that we have very little control over our own happiness.