How We Choose to Be Happy Read online

  On the other hand, behavioral researchers have found that we can do certain things to change the way we feel. For instance, they’ve discovered that exercise, diet, and meditation, along with other endeavors can cause beneficial changes in our brain function and biochemistry. They’ve also looked at depression, stress, anxiety, and trauma to see how our bodies respond to these emotions. By understanding the specific chemicals that are associated with certain feelings, they’ve documented what we’ve all observed-that our bodies under stress will be more disease-prone and less effective than when we’re happy.

  In spite of these revolutionary developments in the research world, the results appear contradictory. The biochemists say that there’s much we can do for ourselves-making good choices will lead to healthy bodies and elevated levels of“happy” chemicals. The geneticists tell us that there is little we can do to change what we are hard-wired to feel. Impressive data. Excellent research design. So who’s right?

  Where We Weigh In On the Debate

  Both sides of the argument are right. In years of studying hundreds of happy people, we discovered that they, indeed, started out with a myriad of set points. Some reported they were born cheerful, others reported being naturally pensive. But regardless of where they started, we consistently found that people who make the nine choices that we explore in this book, are able to elevate themselves dramatically above their starting point. While set points may be etched in stone, a large part of what generates happiness is cognitive. We have discovered that virtually everyone can learn to integrate these choices into their lives, regardless of their psychological makeup, family history, or other life circumstances. Unlike other happiness theories, these particular nine choices form an elegantly practical roadmap that prescribes exactly what to do. This unique blend of independent behaviors, when all are in full operation, come together to produce extreme happiness. And it is this discovery that has caught the attention of the medical world.

  In fact, within the first month after publication of How We Choose to Be Happy, medical professionals began to step forward during our lectures and training programs. They told us we were studying far more than happiness. From years of their own professional observations, they concluded that our nine choices were the same ones being made by their most successful patients. This thinking took them to a provocative conclusion: The biochemistry of happy people is highly correlated to the biochemistry of healthy people.

  We found this idea to be electrifying from the beginning, and immediately offered to partner in research.

  To date, there is a diverse array of medical research in the works using our model. All of it seeks to affirm two major points: First, that happiness is a crucial determinant in health; and second, that less happy people can be trained to make themselves happier and, therefore, healthier.

  Our research falls into five main areas: general healthfulness, healing, adherence to healthy courses of treatment (what the experts refer to as “compliance”), pain management, and finally, a multi-billion dollar field that affects us all—the relationship of happiness to submission of medical insurance claims. From immune response to speedy hospital discharge, we are correlating happiness with bodies that heal faster and respond better to medical treatment. We are looking at the relationship of repeated heart attacks and happiness, and measuring the happy individual’s richer production of antibodies after a vaccination. And, we know from anecdotal observation that happy people are far more likely to follow a medical regimen carefully, and to make fewer unnecessary trips to the doctor.

  Beyond the many social and economic implications of this work, each of these areas offers us all special insight into the enormous impact of the mind/body connection on health. And, as we train doctors, nurses and patients to use the happiness model in medical treatment, we will have new tools to improve health and respond more effectively to injury or disease.

  Within the next few years the final results of these long-term quantitative studies will be published. Early returns are positive, and the qualitative experiences of medical people all over the world suggest that our work will be successful. Indeed, the mind/body connection is becoming clear and we are convinced that happiness and health are one.

  The Definition of Happiness

  Inherent in the discussion on happiness is a fundamental roadblock. In our modern world, happiness is ill-defined. Variously referred to as contentment, joy, pleasure, satisfaction, elation, cheerfulness, “sunny-ness,” and ecstasy, there is no real “there there” on which to anchor our discussion.

  In our own research, we went to the source and asked extremely happy people how they define happiness. What we heard was that true happiness is a profound, enduring feeling of contentment, capability, and centeredness—the 3 Cs. It’s a rich sense of well-being that comes from knowing you can deal productively and creatively with all that life offers-both the good and the bad. It’s knowing your internal self and responding to your real needs, rather than the demands of others. And it’s a deep sense of engagement-living in the moment and enjoying life’s bounty. This complex feeling is the direct result of the nine choices, all working together in a synergistic system.

  The complexity of this definition is fascinating and provides some rationale as to why happiness has been so difficult to study. To happy people, happiness is multi-factoral. But what they’ve not included in the definition is absolutely stunning. While they report feelings like enjoyment and pleasure, to happy people, there is a dramatic distinction between the momentary positive feelings that money can buy, and the richer, longer term, more affecting emotion of true happiness.

  Our Journey to the Happiness Model

  At the beginning of this odyssey, we were corporate leadership consultants, traveling from one Fortune 500 Company to another, watching the mounting toll of stress, not only on the people with whom we worked, but on ourselves. We also noticed something else. There were a handful of unusual individuals who stood out from the crowd. They seemed to live in a different world from the rest of us. They had life “wired.” Regardless of the problems swirling around them, they moved through life with a grace, warmth, and vigor that was both alluring and mysterious. There was only one way to describe them: extremely happy. And, we were fascinated by them.

  So we shifted direction, deciding to focus our attention on the world of profoundly happy people, not just at work, but in every aspect of life. We had so many questions. What makes them tick? How do they stay emotionally elevated? What are they doing that the rest of us aren’t?

  We set out to discover the secrets of happy people. Instead of mailing surveys or conducting phone interviews, we chose to talk with people face to face. We wanted to see how they live, watch them interact, and get to know them on their own turf. So we hit the open road, stopping in both large cities and small farming towns—and everything in between-where we simply asked the locals, “Who’s the happiest person around?” They’d caucus and proffer a name. We’d track down their suggested subject and invite ourselves over. To our amazement, people all over the world knew exactly what kind of happiness we were talking about; and never once were we turned down. Before this stage of our research ended, we’d sat in more than three hundred living rooms throughout the U.S. and Europe, feasting on and absorbing happy people’s insights into the fundamental nature of happiness.

  Our off-beat research methodology and the amazing people we met along the way were emotionally moving, invigorating and downright fun. We traveled to rural Alabama to talk with the fourth generation owner of a hardware store. We shared a meal with a cafeteria worker in the barrio of East Los Angeles. Finding our way backstage, we interviewed a Broadway chorus dancer after her performance in a hit musical. Getting to know these people, recording their stories and benefiting from their wisdom and hospitality has enriched our own lives beyond measure. Now, so many years later, we see these experiences as high points in our lives.

  What we uncovered was astounding. Rich or poor, black or
white, married or single, old or young, happy people all had something in common: every one of them created happiness by making the same nine choices!

  The gift they gave us changed us in ways we could not have imagined, opening up a whole new world, a whole new way to be, to think, to live. It revolutionized the way we related to each other, the way we parented, our notions about friendships, our approaches to consulting, and our feelings about the value and richness in ordinary lives well lived.

  To this day we remain students, not gurus, of happiness. But early in the process we knew we had to pass along the intelligence of this model. By 1996 we had already created and were conducting happiness workshops.

  Since then, through training programs in corporations, hospitals and universities, in public workshops and keynote speeches, we have taught people from all walks of life—chiropractors, teachers, home-makers, psychotherapists, film makers, doctors, nurses, and even a state coroner-anyone interested in becoming happier. And, we’ve been guests on radio talk shows and television programs, and featured in articles in magazines and newspapers in a host of international publications.

  The results have been remarkable. Even beyond the people with whom we’ve had “hands-on” contact, we have heard from readers and listeners all over the world who have changed profoundly as they integrate the nine choices. They have taught themselves how to build greater happiness into their lives.

  Is happiness within your grasp? Yes. Have we created a tangible, clear guide to happiness? Yes. Can we make you happy? No. You have to make yourself happy. What we can give you is a portrait showing you how to grow, learn and change.

  Who are the Happy People?

  In our travels we’ve learned that our culture has a bounty of negative stereotypes about happy people. Perhaps you’re skeptical too? For example, you might be thinking, “Are happy people so stupid that they don’t realize how unhappy they should be? Don’t these folks know that the world is not a happy place? Do they just hop out of bed feeling cheery every morning? Aren’t they really ‘Pollyannas’-in denial about sadness and pain?”

  Truly happy people are certainly not in denial. In fact, they allow themselves to feel life’s range of emotions deeply. They are not buoyant every minute of the day. In fact, one of the paradoxes of happiness is that, in order to experience life’s greatest joys, we must sometimes experience its deepest sorrows. Happiness is a long-term emotional state that carries us through all our life experiences.

  But aren’t people happy as a result of personal circumstance? Doesn’t it depend on money, security, relationships, where you live?

  Actually, happiness doesn’t come from any specific circumstance. The group whose stories appear in this book, and the many we’ve talked to thereafter, are extremely diverse. We found them in every socio-economic level and every country we visited. They ranged in age from 16 to 101, and represented all races. They embodied a wide variety of belief systems, religions, and family backgrounds. Some were involved in long term relationships; others were single. Some were straight; some gay. Many had children; some did not. These are people you know.

  The Proverbial Glass: Half Full or Half Empty?

  One of the things that make these people special is their unique answer to the classic question: Is the glass half full or half empty? Their responses are what set them apart from the rest of us. Happy people will say the glass is both half full and half empty. Life is about coming to terms with both perceptions of the glass. Happiness is the result of our conscious responses to both the wonderful and the tragic components of life. They would tell you what creates a happy life cannot be reduced to a single cause-happiness is multi-faceted.

  The nine choices of happy people are internal choices-unique tools they use consciously to enjoy life to the fullest and to move efficiently through difficulties and trauma. By following their hearts and minds, rather than allowing society to dictate how they should behave, they become special, charismatic people-the kind we want to know, the kind of people we want to be.

  1. Intention— the active desire and commitment to be happy, and the decision to consciously choose attitudes and behaviors that lead to happiness over unhappiness.

  2. Accountability—the choice to create the life you want to live, to assume personal responsibility for your actions, thoughts and feelings, and the emphatic refusal to blame others or view yourself as a victim.

  3. Identification— the ongoing process of looking deeply within yourself to assess what makes you uniquely happy, apart from what you’re told by others should make you happy.

  4. Centrality—the non-negotiable insistence on making central to your life that which brings you happiness.

  5. Recasting—the two-step process that transforms stressful problems and trauma into something meaningful, important and a source of emotional energy.

  6. Options—the decision to approach life by creating multiple scenarios, to be open to new possibilities and to adopt a flexible approach to life’s journey.

  7. Appreciation—the choice to appreciate deeply your life and the people in it, and to “stay in the present” by turning each experience into something precious.

  8. Giving—the choice to share yourself with friends and community, and to give to the world at large without the expectation of a “return.”

  9. Truthfulness—the choice to be honest with yourself and others, and not allow societal, workplace, or family demands to violate your internal contract.

  Each of the nine choices made by happy people stands alone as an important and valuable life choice. But when they come together, they create a synergistic system. In other words, when they work as a whole their total result is far greater than the sum of their parts. And that synergy is what creates deep, long term happiness.

  If you envision happiness as a wheel, the whole system becomes clear. In each of the subsequent chapters you will see how the choices flow logically, one to the next, from Intention to Truthfulness.

  Our Methodology: Finding and Studying Happy People

  Most quantitative macro-studies on happiness find subjects based solely on a self-selection process. Whoever reports being happy is deemed an acceptable participant.

  Our research methodology went a great deal further. We wanted to be sure we were talking with people who are exceptionally happy over time. We designed a comprehensive three-step process that first identified the interviewees and then qualified them.

  STEP ONE:We found a diverse group of happy people around the country by networking through our personal and professional contacts, and by asking complete strangers we met in our travels to identify the “happiest person you know.” It seems that almost everyone knows at least one person who is extremely happy. And, in this referral step, we first affirmed that our interviewee might, indeed, be a happy person.

  This initial inquiry brought us a remarkably diverse list. As an example, an acupuncturist with a client base of more than 1,000 people immediately identified one client, Caroline, a homemaker and mother of two children. A spur-of-the-moment query to a ticket-taker at Preservation Hall in New Orleans led us to Maurice, a jazz saxophonist. A business contact in The Netherlands led us to Hannah, a holocaust survivor living along the canals of Amsterdam. And the academic dean of a large university in California pointed to Tony, one of his professors.

  STEP TWO:In the second phase we contacted the subjects identified as happy by others and asked them about their own feelings of happiness. Self-identification is currently regarded as the single most accurate means of determining if someone is happy. Added to Step One, we began to feel sure of the validity of our test subjects.

  Once our interviewees told us they were happy, we used in-depth, narrative interviews, known in the social sciences for their accuracy and depth. The actual interviews were candid discussions, without set questions, that lasted anywhere from an hour to half a day. Though the individual stories varied tremendously, happy people were quite articulate about their adamant choice to
be happy and the behaviors necessary to live this happiness.

  STEP THREE:To qualify them further, we asked the subjects if we could talk to others in their social worlds in order to validate their self-perception of happiness. Whenever possible, friends, family, and colleagues verified the happiness of the interviewee by sharing observations and stories.

  Numerous researchers have told us that our three-step approach far exceeds the selection and qualification process used in other studies of happiness.

  The Control Group

  Did we only talk to happy people? No. It was extremely important to be sure that happy and unhappy people are different, and to understand the differences in their responses during interviews. So, we set out to enrich our research with comparative references. We conducted a number of control interviews with people who consider themselves to be only somewhat happy or not happy at all. As you will see in upcoming chapters, the concerns, choices and behaviors of these two groups are dramatically dissimilar.

  Happiness, History and Choice